On one hand, being a military spouse can be rough as you’re continuously having to find, vet, and connect with potential long-term buddies (long-term being the operative word). On the other, if you fail to properly vet or if you are rejected by the majority of the spouses or if you manage to offend the neighborhood block captain early on or if your children are atrociously mannered, you can always rely on the impending PCS as a restart and just lay low for the remaining time at your current location (online education, reading, cleaning the house, packing a bit early for the impending move, etc. are always available time-killing options).

You’re on your own concerning that block captain offense (hey! We don’t want to end up on the bad neighbor list with you!); and, we’re not much help when it comes to children behaving badly (we’re betting you’ll get to offer up between 8-10 bad child apologies - her dad’s deployed, mom is stressed out, the therapist is on vacation, etc.- before being booted from the bunko club). We do, however, have input per “un-friending” the improperly vetted new buddy.

Step 1 - Grab the Lifejacket: When standing on the deck of a sinking ship, we recommend first grabbing the proverbial lifejacket meaning that - when called upon to engage with your new friend mistakenly made on impulse at last Saturday’s third birthday party whom you’ve now discovered suffers from a very public display of TMI disease – you find that your schedule is extremely busy, you’re suffering from a chronic bronchial infection, your children are in quarantine per potential H1N1 symptoms, you must clean, clean, clean per your soldier’s impending return from <NTC, Afghanistan, Iraq, grocery store, WHATEVER it takes). A simple floatation device may be all you need to slip on to avoid your newest friend who discusses her recent silicone addition(s) quite loudly at the post pool or the friend who chooses to discusses your son’s recent night in the slammer while standing in the receiving line at the new commander’s change of command party.

Step 2 - Hit the Deck: If your new friend(s) fail to see that you’re wearing a very unattractive puffy orange flotation device and continues to discuss the sex life of her duplex neighbors in excruciating enthusiastic loud detail while standing in line two carts behind you at the commissary on pay-day, you might be required to progress to un-friending step 2, AKA hitting the deck. Resorting to “hitting the deck” will require you to focus, focus, focus – on ANYTHING other than the not quite defriended acquaintance now frantically trying to engage you in conversation at any opportune moment. To net, you will have to straddle the subtle line between ignoring her completely and giving her a quick signal indicating that you’re listening intently to a secondary party via the flashing blue light in your ear. And you must also figure out how to silently indicate that the conversation is indefinite, is more important than any conversation the impending de-friended is about to relate, and there is absolutely no need for her to wait on you to finish, use sign language to communicate with you or try to talk simultaneously as you’re listening intently to the mysterious blue light. You must hit the hands-free mobile phone deck while wearing a tight-lipped smile and preferably sunglasses to hide any fear. As, the impending de-friended will interpret the fear in your eyes as panic over the news you’re currently receiving via the flashing blue light and will wait AS LONG AS IT TAKES to get the scoop on the clearly significant conversation. There is absolutely no need for anyone to know that you’re just listening to your voicemail attendant – endlessly repeating “you have no new or saved messages, you have no new or saved messages, you have no new or saved messages”.

Step 3 - Jump Overboard: Pearl has had to jump overboard once. Resorting to the jump requires effort on the part of all family members as it means you’re possibly a. leaving your current neighborhood/location immediately and moving home to live with your parents/grandparents until your solider is assigned a new duty station; b. meeting with your soldier’s commander to request your soldier’s immediate transfer to ANY other Army post (know that the commander will be so annoyed with this request that you will most certainly be stationed in Alaska for a seven-year assignment); or c. meeting with the most credible plastic surgeon in a 45-mile radius to discuss significant facial reconstructive surgery (this will most certainly drain your savings and freak out your family and actual friends). This step is only to be taken due to extreme circumstances – eg. your soon to be ex-friend invited you and a few others to a small dinner party, pelted you with wine, and then coerced everyone into revealing their pet names for their partners and persisted in discussing the merits of partner swapping. Your attempts to avoid any further discussion along these lines resulted in said weirdo friend stalking you at the PX periodically screaming “here comes cotton candy” while giving you – and everyone else in the vicinity – a salacious wink!

Clearly choosing friends requires the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job. It might be more worthwhile to track down the local Military Life Consultant and pretend you have a friend for 45 minutes a week; or to find a very concerned hairdresser and visit with her/him on a regular basis; or spend so much time at the local Starbuck’s that they feel sorry for you and move beyond describing the merits of the skinny latte and engage in actual conversation with you.

What do you think?

• Many acquaintances or a few friends?
• I accidentally erased my mobile phone contact list or I’m suffering from chronic bronchitis?
• Best place to make new friends?