LUCKYARMYWIVES.COM

Lucky You!

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 05:00:00 GMT

Want to wander around Vegas with us? A trip with girlfriends is always fun; and, this trip is free!

Let the strains of Sinatra’s "Luck be a Lady Tonight" play in your head. Imagine huge, sparkling hotels with beautiful flowing water fountains – perhaps the Bellagio? Can you see the dazzle of incredible night shows and colorful light displays? Survey the gaming rooms filled with people and poker chips. The roar of the winners, the ringing of slot machine bells, the calls of pit bosses, the cheers of the players, the laughter of winners scooping up their rewards – I bet there are some lucky ladies in the crowd!

Let’s survey another scene…… Consider your early morning start. Can you hear "Reveille" playing as our American flag is raised high above the Post headquarters? Do you hear the sound of children waking for play and getting ready to go to school? Whew! Is that the smell of your husband's P.T. clothes? Did he really just track muddy shoes on your kitchen floor?! Glancing at your watch, you notice it’s time to tackle your activities and chores - many having to do with your work and family as well as the needs of others in your FRG (Family Readiness Group). As the day winds down, can you hear the sounds of retreat played at 1700? And the day closing at 2100 hrs with the bugle call Tattoo?

These are the sights and sounds of Army life. They cross all social boundaries. They cross all religions, and races. We are lucky, we are lucky, we are lucky...keep telling yourself that and click your heels three times. Positive thinking is quantifiably proven to take you farther in life. Lucky Army Wives are exactly that - Lucky in their Army life associations and rich experiences.

What do you think?

Coffee or tea in the morning?
Nickel slots, roulette table or no gambling at all?
Live on post or off?

Sticker Shock

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 08:00:00 GMT

Some of us – no names, no hints, no next door neighbors called out – have possibly crossed the proverbial “bridge too far” in our genuine effort to support our soldier, their Battalion, the Army, the military, the US of A……… right, we’re talking to you with the 13 stickers covering up the back of your vehicle (we tried to read through them all at the last stoplight but had to actually engage in driving around the seventh sticker – so now we’ll never know who or what else to support!).

We’re not against spousal support but we thought we should bring our concerns to your attention – primarily our concern that some of us – “us” being used a bit liberally here – have entered a parallel universe of dressing, walking, talking and spitting like our soldiers.

If you friends, family and commander’s wife have NOT invited you to a semi-lit room, put a plate of finger food in your hands, and asked you to join the circle of love to discuss why exactly your soldier’s company logo is emblazoned on the side of your head, you might be okay. If, however, anything previously described sounds even vaguely reminiscent of last weekend, squint your eyes and take a look down the “where has my identity gone to?” tunnel………….

1. You and your soldier can trade sides of the closet (or closets!) and nary a worry – you have something to wear as your clothes and your sweetie’s all kind of, well, match!
2. You strategically eyeball any and all cars at the new car dealership that are similar in color to your Battalion colors.
3. You actually consider ordering a magnet of your BDE insignia, that is the size of a stove, to strategically position on the hood of your car.
4. You don’t just carry a purse with your BDE crest emblazoned on it – you also own a wallet, notebook cover, diaper bag, laptop bag, children’s backpacks and a swim bag all emblazoned with your BDE crest.
5. When compiling your Christmas list, you realize that every addressee starts with a rank designation; and, when pondering this phenomena, you realize that your kids go to school with, you eat lunch/dinner with, you attend social events with, go to church with, the same people, every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year.
6. Your Christmas shopping is considered complete once you’ve ordered 38 Afghans embroidered with the Battalion crest (it’s generally for a good cause, after all!).
7. You painted the interior of your last four home in your soldier’s colors.
8. You schedule lunch dates in the mess hall to see more of your husband and a fun family outing is dinner at the post food court.
9. You bake, package and deliver Christmas AND Easter cookies for the Staff Duty soldiers, the Courtesy Patrol soldiers, the gate guards AND every single soldier in the barracks.
10. You sewed your husband's unit crest AND his top tank crew patch onto your child's jacket, long-sleeve denim shirt, and favorite sweater.
11. You actually shop for and make SOS (sh** on a shingle) for your family’s weekend breakfast.

And although we are putting these tell tale signs in writing and might appear to be suggesting a weekend in a liberal east or west coast town where the military is maligned and you must travel in disguise, Pear & Mercedes cast no stones. In fact, Pearl had to recently repaint the infantry blue entrance wall armor yellow due to her soldier’s branch transfer.

Part 2: Abandon the USS FriendShip!

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMT

On one hand, being a military spouse can be rough as you’re continuously having to find, vet, and connect with potential long-term buddies (long-term being the operative word). On the other, if you fail to properly vet or if you are rejected by the majority of the spouses or if you manage to offend the neighborhood block captain early on or if your children are atrociously mannered, you can always rely on the impending PCS as a restart and just lay low for the remaining time at your current location (online education, reading, cleaning the house, packing a bit early for the impending move, etc. are always available time-killing options).

You’re on your own concerning that block captain offense (hey! We don’t want to end up on the bad neighbor list with you!); and, we’re not much help when it comes to children behaving badly (we’re betting you’ll get to offer up between 8-10 bad child apologies - her dad’s deployed, mom is stressed out, the therapist is on vacation, etc.- before being booted from the bunko club). We do, however, have input per “un-friending” the improperly vetted new buddy.

Step 1 - Grab the Lifejacket: When standing on the deck of a sinking ship, we recommend first grabbing the proverbial lifejacket meaning that - when called upon to engage with your new friend mistakenly made on impulse at last Saturday’s third birthday party whom you’ve now discovered suffers from a very public display of TMI disease – you find that your schedule is extremely busy, you’re suffering from a chronic bronchial infection, your children are in quarantine per potential H1N1 symptoms, you must clean, clean, clean per your soldier’s impending return from <NTC, Afghanistan, Iraq, grocery store, WHATEVER it takes). A simple floatation device may be all you need to slip on to avoid your newest friend who discusses her recent silicone addition(s) quite loudly at the post pool or the friend who chooses to discusses your son’s recent night in the slammer while standing in the receiving line at the new commander’s change of command party.

Step 2 - Hit the Deck: If your new friend(s) fail to see that you’re wearing a very unattractive puffy orange flotation device and continues to discuss the sex life of her duplex neighbors in excruciating enthusiastic loud detail while standing in line two carts behind you at the commissary on pay-day, you might be required to progress to un-friending step 2, AKA hitting the deck. Resorting to “hitting the deck” will require you to focus, focus, focus – on ANYTHING other than the not quite defriended acquaintance now frantically trying to engage you in conversation at any opportune moment. To net, you will have to straddle the subtle line between ignoring her completely and giving her a quick signal indicating that you’re listening intently to a secondary party via the flashing blue light in your ear. And you must also figure out how to silently indicate that the conversation is indefinite, is more important than any conversation the impending de-friended is about to relate, and there is absolutely no need for her to wait on you to finish, use sign language to communicate with you or try to talk simultaneously as you’re listening intently to the mysterious blue light. You must hit the hands-free mobile phone deck while wearing a tight-lipped smile and preferably sunglasses to hide any fear. As, the impending de-friended will interpret the fear in your eyes as panic over the news you’re currently receiving via the flashing blue light and will wait AS LONG AS IT TAKES to get the scoop on the clearly significant conversation. There is absolutely no need for anyone to know that you’re just listening to your voicemail attendant – endlessly repeating “you have no new or saved messages, you have no new or saved messages, you have no new or saved messages”.

Step 3 - Jump Overboard: Pearl has had to jump overboard once. Resorting to the jump requires effort on the part of all family members as it means you’re possibly a. leaving your current neighborhood/location immediately and moving home to live with your parents/grandparents until your solider is assigned a new duty station; b. meeting with your soldier’s commander to request your soldier’s immediate transfer to ANY other Army post (know that the commander will be so annoyed with this request that you will most certainly be stationed in Alaska for a seven-year assignment); or c. meeting with the most credible plastic surgeon in a 45-mile radius to discuss significant facial reconstructive surgery (this will most certainly drain your savings and freak out your family and actual friends). This step is only to be taken due to extreme circumstances – eg. your soon to be ex-friend invited you and a few others to a small dinner party, pelted you with wine, and then coerced everyone into revealing their pet names for their partners and persisted in discussing the merits of partner swapping. Your attempts to avoid any further discussion along these lines resulted in said weirdo friend stalking you at the PX periodically screaming “here comes cotton candy” while giving you – and everyone else in the vicinity – a salacious wink!

Clearly choosing friends requires the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job. It might be more worthwhile to track down the local Military Life Consultant and pretend you have a friend for 45 minutes a week; or to find a very concerned hairdresser and visit with her/him on a regular basis; or spend so much time at the local Starbuck’s that they feel sorry for you and move beyond describing the merits of the skinny latte and engage in actual conversation with you.

What do you think?

Many acquaintances or a few friends?
I accidentally erased my mobile phone contact list or I’m suffering from chronic bronchitis?
Best place to make new friends?

Part 1: Climb On Board the USS FriendShip!

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 05:00:00 GMT

As an Army spouse, your acquaintances are generally predetermined by your soldier’s rank, duty station, and function. As a person with your own personality, interests, and activities – albeit heavily influenced by your place in the Army – your friends can actually be of your own choosing! (That’s also a very cool thing about getting older – you realize you can choose your own friends – it’s liberating once you realize you do NOT have to return every phone call, email, dinner invite, luncheon opportunity, etc. – but we digress………)

Pearl & Mercedes are "seasoned" Army spouses – and because we’ve climbed on board the USS Friendship and have managed to keep the boat afloat, we’re going to espouse our tried and true methods for finding, vetting and making new friends. (As a side note to our readers, please know that we’ve also had to jump off many a sinking USS Friendship – we will grimace through the mishaps, mistakes, and missteps in a follow-on blog!)

As part of our forced geographic expeditions; pioneering and proselytizing of new FRGs, fundraising committees, and volunteer efforts; and the creating - disbanding - and re-creating of social networks (all without Facebook until recently!), we’ve introduced many a “friend” to our families and added (and most definitely removed!) friends from our Christmas card lists. As part of this journey, we’ve architected “the friendship model” – the quest, the meet and greet, the interview, and the vetting and the assigning of a level of commitment to said potential friend.

That said, it's time to jump on board and tighten up the Christmas card list!

Step 1 - Use Your Spyglass to Scan the Horizon: While at the commander's wife's welcome - you spy an interesting person by the buffet table - someone with a similar clothing style, no sign of a beer gut, and no spinach/artichoke dip in her teeth when she smiles. This initial sighting is generally the first step to a deeper and more meaningful friendship; however, you must beware this generally over-romanticized initial sighting. This “glance” is indicative of a potential friendship only - I mean, what do you really know about her?! This lady could have one too many skeletons in her closet – is she a Redskins fan? Does she have Kanye West tunes on her IPod? Might she spoon Nutella from the jar for breakfast (rather than the preferred organic apple bacon and eggs)? As you surely know (or your teen can explain), unfriending or defriending or nonfriending can result in your ultimately sneaking in a PCS request to the commander’s office with your husband’s signature attached. If you’re feeling confident, know the scales were off (in the appropriate direction) by at least five pounds during the AM weigh-in, have fresh breath and are sure there's no toilet paper stuck to your heel - move on to step two.

Step 2 - Step Onto the Deck: As you move towards the buffet table and are inching your way closer to your target, push one of those flash frozen meatballs around on your plate while surreptitiously glancing over the top of your toothpick to see exactly where said target is standing and with whom. Don’t be naïve! Of course we judge you based on your posse! For instance, if you are enclosed in a tight-knit circle consisting of the chaplain's wife, the president of PWOC, and the local mayor’s wife, then Mercedes is already in reverse and falling backwards into the punchbowl. (Per mishaps at a recent Army-sponsored couple’s retreat, God has Mercedes on his "list"; she is afraid of lightning striking those who come in close contact with her.) If Pearl, as another example, notices you standing with a wine glass in your hand, a plate of deep-double-fried cheese and wings, and your heels kicked off under the table, then game on!

Step 3 - Grab the Jib: If you’ve scouted, scanned and vetted by association, then you are ready to talk. And let’s pass on the doggy style fire hydrant butt sniffing convo – Pearl demands that you get straight to the point as every single minute of Pearl's time counts when she’s staring down a plate of deep-double-fried cheese and wings. Be a big girl and consider asking the questions which most interest you – no, not questions related to where your soldier works and/or who his commander happens to be! Consider discussing:

Kids: This tells you how much free time she has, how late she can stay up, if she always has to book a sitter, or if she can head out spur of the moment to shop for shoes.
Hobbies: This tells you if she's cool or not; macramé might be good for the soul, but playing blackjack for money is a heck of a lot more fun!
Favorite Army Post: Is she a complainer (eg. Ft. Hood is sooooooo boring!)? Adventurer (eg. Alaska rocked with all that moose hunting!)? Crazy (Ft. Irwin is great for the tan!)?
Favorite Food: This is a significant moment! If the answer is chicken enchiladas, barbecue, cashew chicken - it’s a go! If the answer is frozen pizza, Ramen noodles, or anything from 7-Eleven - your spontaneous dining out options might be limited. If the answer involves herbs, tofu, or Taiwanese delicacies – consider hosting the initial play-date luncheon at your home.

You’re almost ready to dock the USS Friendship; return next week to learn of the perils to be avoided on the high seas!

Hobby Lobbies for Christmas in October

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:18:00 GMT

Thinking we were ahead of the pumpkin, we headed into the local Hobby Lobby to stock up on Halloween and Fall décor. Scarily enough, we weren’t greeted by dancing skeletons or ghoulish figures; rather, we were accosted by sparkling pines and rows of glittering ornaments. No, it’s not Homecoming season in Louisiana – it’s Christmas (Getmas?) in October! Retail has taken a significant hit over the past couple of years but is backing Santa into summer going to wrestle the dollars away from our children’s considerably diminished 529 plans?

Because sending your child(ren) to college is considered your patriotic duty – kind of like displaying the flag, whipping up a warm dinner four out of seven nights a week, and voting in national elections – and pilfering your child(ren)’s 529 plan is akin to wearing pajamas to your child’s 1st grade graduation, we’re recommending an alternative gift strategy. Open up your Outlook Contact file, grab your iPhone, or pull that ragged sheet of paper from the junk drawer – it’s time to call on your fellow geographically well-positioned Army spouses, all of whom were arm-wrestled into participating in that angst-laden Army spouse tradition, the BAZAAR!!!

For those with experience in economics, global trade, and under-the-table deal making (that’s all of you who’ve participated in an overseas move), bazaars present a brilliant opportunity to work the Army spouse “system”. Set up your bazaar wares and start taking photos; post those photos to your Facebook page; and start exchanging goods with your fellow spouses.

Our favorite bazaars that highlight military spouse participation are The American Women's Club of Brussels annual holiday bazaar – featuring Polish pottery, hand-woven shawls and scarves, colorful jewelry and wooden toys and gifts, wines and chocolate (wines and chocolate, wines and chocolate). And, the Fort Hood OWC wins the bazaar belt buckle for sheer girth. With more local vendors and home crafted treats - the Killeen Convention Center is sure to be a hit for those needing Christmas goodies.

And, of course, you must track down the contact information for all your very, very close Army spouse buddies having access to the civilian bazaars in Europe! Where else can you find Irish linens, Black Forest cuckoo clocks, Belgian chocolate, Italian leather gloves and handbags and German wine (free testers!) while you walk up and down the maze of aisles? A typical German bazaar has as much food and drink as vendors and always sponsors a fest tent where the local soldier population can participate in "open mike night”! Wear your dancing shoes and leg warmers as, inside the shopping arena, the toe tapping background music is from the 80s as Europe (and definitely Germany!) is stuck in a time warp where Nina's "99 Luftbalons" and Ace of Bass' "All that she Wants" have never left the HitBoard Top 10.

All of these bazaars are well worth orchestrating exchange efforts, brokering post-to-post trade deals and investing your soldier’s deployment subsidy; grab lederhosen for the little ones, Americana buckets for the relatives, and First Cavalry Totebags for your friends – just remember where you store the gifts and don’t chip the Polish Pottery if you happen to use it a couple of times before wrapping!

What do you think?

529 Plan or fingers crossed for scholarships?
Global trade initiatives represent a significant portion of my gift giving strategy.
My dog ate my Rolodex!

You're Hired!

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:00:00 GMT

First, we’re the first to concede that life as an Army wife is wildly fulfilling and all the resume you might want or need is pinned onto your husband’s chest. However, if you’re like us (slightly cynical, periodically sarcastic, exceedingly concerned that any/all education/professional training is not being put to the best use when standing next to the potty begging a two-year-old to JUST PEE!), at some point(s), you will actually question as to whom/what is being fulfilled as it’s certainly not the potty.

Second, we’re aware that the economy is in the tank and any talk about resume writing is superfluous considering the current conditions – this is particularly obvious when Army recruiters make statements indicating they are meeting/exceeding recruiting goals during a rather drawn out, two-front war. Seriously? Folks are willingly heading to a generally deserted mountainous region similar in size to Texas to sleep on hard cots in minimally protective tents, eat powdered eggs and potatoes, to look for a really tall guy in a turban?

Third, we’re also engaged in various stages of PCS-ing (a rather chronic condition for Army wives) and recognize that you might not have found an employer that is able and/or willing to move your job to the premier business locations idenfitied in previous blogs.

However, we’re going to advocate fine tuning the resume just the same! Why? It will bolster your self-esteem when you realize you, too, could easily run a small country from 1-5PM on Thursdays. It will help you ignore, when slaving away for hours in your various FRG, volunteer, parenting, spousal capacities – in a very, very small way - that nagging thought in the back of your head that you’re doing quite a bit of work for FREE. Finally, it will prep you for that moment when you realize you have a free afternoon and just might be able to engage in something about you versus spending every waking moment cementing your husband’s successful career!

Rest assured – you haven’t been fiddling away the hours or toiling at the till for nada – rather, you might just need some assistance translating your vast Army-life experiences into a readable resume document. Think you haven’t engaged in upward professional mobility? Let us reassure you that you can spin the tale on this donkey! The following are the contributions and skills you, yes, you have made and acquired as an Army wife – with a few minor tweaks to facilitate the appreciation of the civilian HR community.

Mediator: As a member, facilitator, and participant of many, many, many consortiums of both professional and non-professional behaving adults (eg. FRG meetings), I interceded between parties of variance and exhibited an uncanny ability to reconcile differences between disputants. Physical force was only necessary periodically, with name-calling and back-stabbing being the primary resolution methods.
Event Planner: As the person primarily responsible for any and all Friday afternoon social gatherings at both my spouse’s office and residence (eg. Friday Afternoon Beer Call), I am fully trained in meeting the hydration, fried food quota, and scintillating party discussion requirements of disgruntled, exhausted, Blackberry wielding staff.
CEO and/or Administrative Assistant: As the primary calendar maintainer, appointment scheduler, errand runner, meal preparer, holiday shoppinger (eg. Household 6), I have over-achieved in event/activity coordination; on-time arrivals to education, athletic, and social undertakings; and maintained and controlled the personnel / budget and records for all executive members of my team.
Transportation Officer: As the person in charge of servicing and maintaining the fleet of vehicles necessary for all inter- and intra-corporation movement (eg. family chauffer), I am able to quickly and firmly position personnel of any age in the appropriate seating, adjust all required safety needs according to height and weight of occupants, and deliver valuable cargo over long and short distances to the specified destination – on time with french fries in hand.
Logistics Expert: As the manager responsible for the procurement of the supplies and equipment necessary to sustain my core unit's force and strength (eg. PCSing), I am able to unpack, organize, and display 10,000 of so termed “necessary items” into 1,000 square feet of living space.

Go ahead, cut and paste! And feel free to use "Pearl & Mercedes" as references!

What do you think?

I'm totally fulfilled walking three feet behind my spouse with all children in tow.
I wouldn’t give up my volunteer positions for a six-figure salary because I want the best for my Army family.
I have/have not been fired from any of the afore mentioned positions.

How Many Stars Are In Your Future?: Part 2, Black Holes

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMT

There are a few Army posts that might be appealing to our soldiers but absolutely do not bring out the stars in our eyes! Some hints that you’re most likely heading to one of these less than stellar locations: your soldier continues to go in early and work late – avoiding any potential questions from you concerning PCS-ing – although his replacement has arrived, has a nameplate, and is hovering outside your soldier’s door; your soldier offers to take you shopping – for shoes AND a new handbag - when you ask “have you got those orders, yet?”; and/or your soldier begins extolling the value of spending quality time with the family, growing one’s own vegetables, and taking up knitting to while away the long evening hours.

Don’t get us wrong, Pearl & Mercedes have enjoyed every post location to date; however, there are a few Army post locations that make us wonder why in the world we didn’t marry a sailor so we could lounge in our beach chairs, snap our fingers for a fruity cocktail, and enjoy balmy evenings dancing on big ships! We’re not pushing direct fire on a few Army posts – rather, consider this a heads up that you might have to become extremely creative concerning self- and child-entertainment! Scrabble, anyone?

All Alone in Alaska (Fort Richardson, Alaska): Tellingly, the Fort Richardson homepage (http://www.usarak.army.mil/garrison/sites/local/) headlines the local hunting opportunities, humorously touting “Moose News”! Although there is the promise of a four-wheeling Todd Palin coming to call, it’s more likely that a 300lb moose or a bear might roam into your front yard to visit with your panicking pet! Looking for family activities? Pack up (your absolutely warmest weather gear) and head to the mountains – making sure your neighbors have your longitude/latitude to provide to the Fort Richardson soldiers desperate for an opportunity to practice their mountain rescue techniques.

Kimchi in Korea (US Army Garrison Yongsan): Pick up travel-size toothpaste, breath mints, and multiple packs of gum as you’ll be eating Kimchi at every opportunity – and we personally believe that garlic is the main ingredient of every pickled dish! When you’re on the treadmill, you’ll note an odd odor – blame the kimchi; when you start sweating while shopping in outdoor markets, the kimchi will revisit via your pores. Don’t let this sway you from experiencing the traditional Korean food, just don’t try and blame odd odors on your children. Army wives around the world do tout the benefits of the shopping (and the shop owners do love their American visitors!) particularly the shopping outside Gate 19 and the heady bargains found in Itaewon (ah, the platform shoes!).

Dismal in the Desert (Fort Irwin, California): “Helllloooooo out there?!” Fort Irwin is wonderful if you’ve just been at Fort Drum; but, as a very wise girlfriend once said, "They do not make enough wine for me to move to NTC"! Heading to Fort Irwin? Consider it an opportunity to really, really make and deepen friendships with your neighbors (even those flying a freak flag high and proud) – and most likely home-school your children. And, there is also the opportunity to increase your knowledge of the insect community as you will become quite familiar with the giant cockroaches, lizards or snakes which will take up residence in your house.

Run for the Border (Fort Bliss, Texas): During a recent trip to Fort Bliss, one of Mercedes’ children asked “Where is Mexico?” Mercedes replied, “Look to your left – your immediate left! In fact, stretch your hand out the car window and your arm and fingers will be in Mexico!” On the pro side, Fort Bliss is closer to the California coastline than, say, Fort Bragg. On the con side, Fort Bliss is pretty close to the Rio Grande (Rio Bravo if you’re local) for anyone not sporting an up-armored M1114 Humvee nor trained in combating drug-lord warfare.

What Do You Think?

A moose on the loose is better than a Fort Hood rattler on my front porch!
My favorite post assignment has been: ________________
I would love to move to: ____________________

Bugle Buddy

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 20:08:00 GMT

Five, six, 37 times a day (but who’s counting?!), persons privileged to live on an Army post are directed as to how to spend significant portions of their day via bugle call (somewhat similar to your elementary, junior high and high school bell-ringing experience). Unlike elementary school, however, you – an adult with some adult-decision-making power (albeit limited considering you are subjected to the rules and regs of your Army post) - can deviate from the expected activity and use the bulge calls to your advantage.

Your proximity to the enormous speakers that disseminate the pre-recorded, ear-splittingly loud, highly traditional bugle calls – during the Revolutionary War, America's Army used bugle calls for Cavalry and Artillery units and drumbeats for Infantry units; these bugle calls evolved from Continental Army contacts with the French and English armies during the Revolutionary War (www.fas.org) – will most likely influence your bugle call affections. Pearl, for instance, finds herself responding to her ingrained bugle buddy schedule, yelling at her children to snap to attention while hustling through HEB near the dinner hour (much to their complete humiliation).

With significant combined time on multiple Army posts, we have overcome our initial horror at being “tootled” awake at 6AM and have embraced our bugle buddies, adopting the timely, enthusiastic musical signals as reminders that children must go to school, dinner must be cooked, and the mall does close at 9PM no matter how many pairs of shoes are left to be purchased. For those yet to adapt and adopt, our suggested usage follows.

Time	Soldier Meanings	Family Translation
06:00	Reveille: The American Flag is raised upon the last note of this call; all soldiers must be assembled for their morning roll call.	Option 1: Immediately pull the covers over your head and hope to heaven the sound machine can drown out the noise; Option 2: Realize that it’s yet another day that your commitment to family, God, and country will be tested to its limits.
06:30	Breakfast Call: Now morphed into the gun shot start of unit P.T.	All main road arteries are closed. During the next hour, if you happen to need diapers for the baby or milk for your child's cereal, you will need to call in a CareFlight rapid emergency response – you aren’t going anywhere via vehicle on post.
12:00	Dinner Call: When dinner was the main meal of the day.	If you have not made a quick lunch run to Subway, the line now stretches around the corner of the building – consider PB&J. If you’re still waiting on workout motivation to descend from the heavens, you’ve waited too long. You only have two more hours until your children come home from school - go directly to the shower.
18:00	Retreat: The flag lowering ceremony, traditionally at 17:00.	Realize, while absorbed in dinner preparation, that you have not seen your children for at least 30 minutes clearly putting you in violation of post line-of-site policy. For spouses of soldiers shackled to desks at the Pentagon, “Beltway Hour" begins (a cocktail tradition observed by wives as husbands fight their way home through the Washington, D.C. traffic).
21:00	Tattoo: Soldiers prepare for bed and secure the post.	Consider passing on the third glass of that excellent red – or just call it a Tylenol PM chaser.
23:00	Taps: All lights extinguished and loud talking ceased!	Fall exhaustedly into bed, make a note to wash your face in the AM and once again ponder the implications of skipping flossing.

How Many Stars Are In Your Future?: Part 1, Variety in the Universe

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 05:00:00 GMT

To sustain our military force, the Army has armed all recruiters and applicable personnel (generally the dubious spouse!) with a catchy slogan: "Re-enlist Soldiers, Re-Up Families". True to its word, the Army has been pumping money into the Army Family Covenant Quality of Life efforts for over two years. Many posts have upgraded housing, built new gym and dining facilities, and dramatically improved the barracks. We know, we know! The Army must invest in infrastructure to compensate for its generally out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere geographic locations (give a shout-out for Ft. Irwin)!

We’ve been around a while – although we’re nowhere near as old as some of the housing at Ft. Leavenworth – and we’ve decided we’re qualified to give the more famous (and infamous) posts “star rankings” (somewhat akin to those given to the Army leadership). New spouses - consider this a “heads up” when your soldier begins extolling, say, the three-wheeling opportunities at a certain Ft. Polk for which he’s recently received orders; spouses with a few moves scratched into your dining room table – tell us if you agree or if we’ve totally missed the more compelling features of Ft. Leonard Wood!

Good in the Hood (Fort Hood, Texas): With the recent significant on- and off-post infrastructure improvements, we’re going to give the Hood the whopping four-star award. (Just keep in mind that this rating system is for Army posts only, not the numerous Air Force or Navy or Coast Guard vacation locations.)Off-post, you now have access to the Cracker Barrel (Sunday breakfast anyone?), Cheddar’s, Barnes & Noble, a new Target, ULTA – retail paradise! The I35 corridor is loaded with theme parks, water parks, more shopping, restaurants – and as you’re required to drive 80+ miles an hour on I35, you’ll get to your day-trip location in no time! Although the summer heat index drives the field mice into the numerous double-wide mobile homes for much needed air conditioning - this prime real estate is developing faster than the Army's newest models of Paladin and Abrams. And, most importantly for the kids, a CAV charge with horses - awesome!

Sunning at Schofield (Schofield Barracks, Hawaii): Right – we’re cheating a bit here but did you really think we could start anywhere else?! This is the one location where wives can get a lei without having to cook dinner. Drinks at sunset? On the beach? You bet! And always start the morning off with coffee on the sea-breeze misted back porch; this is the Army's little (very, very little) piece of paradise. There are a couple of questionable features to note. First, you will have to contend with the abundance of GOs – there are more general officers per square inch of government owned land in HI than grains of sand in Pearl’s high school spring break sun faded soft yellow Corona beer bottle. And, second, you will need to cover the candy apple red Mazda MX6 convertible as the endless bright sun tends to fade red paint a bit.

Daydreaming about Drum (Fort Drum, New York): The home of the 10th Mountain Division families’ quarters comes with snow blowers as standard issue. On the upside, there are minimal days when you’ll break a sweat working in the yard; on the downside, you’ll only see that yard for those few days. We’ll admit that we’re giving Ft. Drum three stars because awesome New York City is only 331 miles away (don’t remind us that it takes a whopping nine hours of driving to get there in bad weather!). Once there, you have the sidewalk vendors! The Rockettes! The Rockefeller Square holiday displays and ice skating! Restaurant, after restaurant, after restaurant……… And, most importantly, the more covert treats can be found right outside the Canal Street subway – where the vendors of relatively plausible designer goods have experienced greatly increased foot traffic during the recent economic downturn.

Pumped about Polk (Fort Polk, Louisiana): Google Fort Polk Louisiana and the first URL returned is “Fort Polk: Burger King Fort Polk”. Why is this? Anyone? Is the big BK the bomb at Ft. Polk? We don’t want to flame Ft. Polk unnecessarily – and are going to ask a local for some input – a lucky current resident of that blissfully soggy location, Jennifer Anotonia! Jennifer - how many stars would you give Ft. Polk and why (and no cheating just because you are always positive and your husband is a commander!)?

What Do You Think?

Ft. Leonard Wood or Ft. Polk?
I don't care where we live as long as I get a house_______________(on post / off post!)
Forget CONUS assignments - I am trying to get to my spouse’s Hooch in Afghanistan!

What is that beeping sound and why is it blaring in my ear?!

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:21:00 GMT

Lucky us - school is back in session! You can approach the start of school in one of two ways – make that two and a half –

70% of you will most likely kiss the sidewalk outside the front doors of the school as you watch your three precious darlings trot down the hall to their next torture victims. It’s truly a religious moment for many mothers: play-dates have devolved into fight-dates as the summer drags out and the high temps drag on; your kids have figured out that you’re spending at least 30 minutes a day sitting in your closet while pretending you can’t hear anyone calling your name; they’re catching on that while your lips are moving when you’re sitting in the car with phone in hand - you might actually just be talking to yourself; family reunions in hot parks eating wilted food have found you questioning the genetic implications of your spouses’ lineage; and the "fun" family vacations have put you on a first name basis with a real estate agent in St. Bart’s and a lawyer in the nearest big city.

30% of you will roll over, hit snooze, wonder why it’s so dark out – and why did that alarm go off?! - and snuggle back under the covers! Of these 30%, 25% will resign yourselves to getting up at Zero - dark thirty, dragging your children out of bed, begging them to eat a Snickers for breakfast as you blast through the school zone while begging God to help you make it before the bell rings so you don’t have to enter the elementary school (no less) sans-bra to sign in your children. The other 5% will immediately swear off public or private education while simultaneously placing an order with Scholastic.com for home schooling materials and Googling “non-flammable science experiments”.

Having personally labeled 240 crayons with my daughter’s initials at 1AM while trying to imagine how in the world she’ll manage to put 30 glue sticks to use, I fall between the “praise to the celestial beings on high that summer is over” and “surely you’re kidding that ANYONE is up at this hour?” camps.

As you’re well aware, it’s not just our children that get hauled back to reality at the end of August. We too must commit to embracing the day at Zero - dark thirty; to begging children to attempt their daily homework; to packing boring lunches that are – remarkably enough – better than the “assorted cans of fruit” offered on the school menu; to endless shuttling to piano, dance, karate, soccer, <insert at least four activities here requiring hauling multiple children through loads of lights begging the traffic signal gods to help you make it on time and then contemplating how to fit in the 17 errands that must be run during the 45 – make that 43 – minutes you now have while your progeny are engaged in languid self-improvement>.

Most importantly, we have to confront – with an alarming amount of enthusiasm - the many, many, many opportunities to sign away any chance of reading “Anna Karenina” during a cool evening on the back porch (or at Cracker Barrel where the rocking chair selection is truly a Book Club’s dream). You know the signs – leaflets on telephone poles, exceedingly gregarious “neighbors” at the crosswalks, mini-van windows rolled down for a quick street catch-up, luncheon after luncheon after luncheon. A veritable plethora of volunteer opportunities (eg. a chance to make a difference, a minimal time commitment to give so and so a hand, a few weeks to pull together a nearly pulled together event, <insert euphemism for “volunteer” here>, etc.) are sprung on the somewhat unsuspecting around the second week of September. A steroidal song of calendar overdrive sung by anyone suddenly finding themselves with an hour or two on their hands! You might ask - how do Pearl and Mercedes choose to fill any spare moment that might otherwise be spent learning a new language, continuing our education, or sitting on the sofa staring the ceiling? A few places where we chose to spread the joy include:

The Community Spouses Club: a seemingly wholesome group of adults who gather to plan and organize events within the community - for the community (remember the scholarships which benefit our children and ourselves!) On the other hand, this club periodically devolves into a gathering place for spouses who want proclaim themselves the "who’s who” of your post. Of course, cliques and power groups will erupt naturally in any social group - and so goes the Community club which lends itself nicely to the wives who want to wear their husband's rank. Fear not - find the fun loving people along the back of the wall (purchasing wine with their luncheon meals) and meet some outlet mall shopping buddies.

PTA: Truly the place we all need to be if we have children in school. Pearl and Mercedes prefer to focus on spoiling the teachers which control their children's grades - but - we find it important to remember the secretaries who influence the tardy roster! Cookies and treats are always welcome!

Your Unit: Ho - Ho - Ho (and not the one hanging out on D Street in Killeen, Texas) - we are talking about the man with the snowy white beard who slides down your chimney and leaves bikes with huge red bows under the Christmas tree for your beautiful children (you know - the gift you finally got off lay-a-way - but for which you can assume no credit!). It is already time to consider the unit Christmas party. Time to plan the events, food and children's activities - is your pen at the ready?! (We prefer purple ink for signing away many hours of one’s life with a flourish!)

The hymns we sing to the goddess teachers of our children are intermingled with the bowed heads with which we enter each volunteer situation. On bended knee we consider whether the best use of our time will be with our units, families or communities on and off post. We’re there with you – Pearl is on the stage, pen in hand, taking names of tardy attendees while Mercedes is sitting in the back wondering if the door will squeak as she tries to sneak out after signing in prominently on the first page of the roster. The solace in our lives is that it truly "takes a Post" to create and sustain our military lives!

What do you think?

Glue sticks or Rubber cement?
Spouses Club or Wine Club?
Remember your favorite excuse for not having completed homework as a child – is it similar in any way to the excuse you’re about to use to dodge that volunteer request?

That Mitten Belongs to ME! (I'm hoping for cooler weather)

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 03:33:00 GMT

Glancing through my inbox, I noticed an email from an outdoor sports clothier titled "Kids Missing a Mitten?”. It struck me like a snowball from my ski! My children might not be missing their mittens, but there are some Army wives who are frostbite victims.

Before pounding away at you with our expertly formed and aimed snowballs, we’ll concede that Army wives are the busiest women on the planet. Not only do we meet the marital base level requirements clearly inked in the prenuptial (not!) – cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands - but many of us also do double duty for deployed and/or workaholic spouses. We’re single parents, social committee chairpersons, fundraising experts, car mechanics, etc. And, some of us can add a part- or full-time job outside of the home to the mix as well. Not surprisingly, a lack of time for self-care (wine and cheese for Pearl!) can result in the loss of that snow angel spirit and, in turn, lead us to a frigid place (not to be confused with frigidity!). Suddenly, you’re missing a mitten!

A missing mitten attracts all sorts of trouble – it usually drags sense of humor, let’s be reasonable, wisely held counsel, and miss manners along with it. As you toss all the fast food wrappers, empty coke cans, FRG meeting notes, fund raising schedules out of your car digging around for that d*** missing mitten, sense of humor, let’s be reasonable, wisely held counsel, and miss manners are running through the forest twirling around in the falling snow.

You’re left with the other stupid mitten – that you don’t want, that looks dumb when missing its pair, that isn’t even warm, that you didn’t even want to buy in the first place because gloves are SO much better. And you’re okay with cussing out the missing mitten right in front of everyone waiting for their small, innocent second-grade children in the school parking lot, because wisely held counsel is nowhere to be seen or heard.

Horrifyingly (to those watching from the trees), our very busy Army wife’s very organized, tightly packed, exceedingly orchestrated sled starts speeding faster and faster down a very bumpy, tortuously curved, never ending hill.

Suddenly, the race is on for the most misplaced mitten (competitors unnamed to avoid an avalanche of laughter)!

First, the senior leader's wife who - the honorary advisor to one too many boards – starts barking out orders as if she were wearing her husband's rank (we all know she did get him there but let’s be reasonable!). New Army doctrine? She’s on it. Quick call to the Chief of Staff to straighten out a few issues? He’s on her mobile speed dial. Younger wives not participating? Pelt them with snowballs.

And, then, there is the soldier’s wife who - try this one on for size (super absorbent, slim line, plastic applicator or cardboard) – calls her Company Commander to request financial counseling. Apparently, her husband had not budgeted for tampons. Anyone got some extra wisely held counsel lurking in their ski jacket?

No! There’s more! The senior (in her mind) wife at a coffee group event who identifies herself as the queen of the coffee group therefore requiring everyone in the unit to meet her demands. Quick! Go find sense of humor before Miss Senior is attacked like crack in the ghetto.

Finally, the soldier’s wife who turns on the politely participating Battalion Commander at the monthly FRG meeting demanding that he move her into a bigger and better house, that he ensures her husband is home before 5PM, that he provides her with a mobile phone so she can be in constant contact with her soldier. Toss me that mobile so I can put a call into miss manners – hello? Hello? Anyone home?

Slow down the sled, offload some of the contents, lace your coco with something stronger – but most of all, make sure you absolutely, positively keep your mittens safely tucked in your jacket pocket!

What do you think?

Gloves or mittens?
Ski or beach vacation?
You’re most likely to lose a. sense of humor; b. let’s be reasonable; c. wisely held counsel; or d. miss manners when rocketing downhill?

Oops! I Did it Again! (and Again)

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:57:00 GMT

Okay, okay, we'll confess this is a repeat! You know how it is: camps, relatives, trips, heatstroke.........
___________________

I’m a big girl so I’ll confess – I was caught blatantly checking out the contents of the commissary cart belonging to the person in line in front of me. And, as the title of this blog suggests, this has happened more than once!

Don’t judge me before considering how many sneak peeks you’ve taken while in line at the grocery store! And, this is not about stealing dinner ideas – because – the truth is – looking is fun……

You’ve been there – you’re surreptitiously reading the Enquirer tabloid headlines when you get the odd sensation that someone is eyeballing the four containers of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey on your side of the “separator” (btw - what is the name of that plastic bar we use to cordon off our groceries?). Why are they doing that?! Don’t they have their own life?! Don’t they know you’ve had a HARD WEEK AND NEED SOME COMFORT?!

Are we all voyeurs? Army wife “peeping tommettes" hoping for a grocery store thrill? Nope – we’re simply curious! And, we’re going to help you justify your “curiosity” via a scientific cause - qualitative data analysis.

(Cue the boring scientific announcer…drum roll please!)

“Qualitative data is information gathered in a nonnumeric form. Qualitative Data Analysis (QDA) is the range of processes and procedures whereby we move from the qualitative data that have been collected into some form of explanation, understanding or interpretation of the people and situations we are investigating. Such data usually involve people and their activities, signs, symbols, artefacts and other objects they imbue with meaning” (go here if you’d lke to learn more about QDA - http://onlineqda.hud.ac.uk/Intro_QDA/what_is_qda.php).

Returning to our voyeuristic scenario, by analyzing commissary cart data, the researcher (you!) may be able to identify any or all of the following:

A person’s interpretation of the world (are frozen veggies as good as fresh?).
Why they have a certain point of view (does one really need four boxes of toquitos to make it through the football pre-game show?).
How they came to that view (does a diet of ranch style beans and frozen pizza meet the food pyramid guidelines?).
What they have been doing (think back to your last cart check for this one!).
How they identify or classify themselves and others (name-brand or store-brand?).

Apply your newly acquired scientific knowledge to Pearl and Mercedes’ families’ carts -

Pearl: Tylenol PM, Nighttime pull-ups, stri-dex acne pads, frozen taquitos, some vegetables (which can be microwaved and steamed in the bag....genius!), family size box of Mac-n-cheese, lunchmeat, pickles, salsa, corn chips (must buy three or four bags at a time!), TONS of meat (we are carnivores...hamburger meat, country style pork ribs, bratwurst, chicken breasts to grill) – all organized by aisle (right, learning commissary set-ups at every post is a data analysis challenge!)

Mercedes: Organic milk, large bag of Brach’s candy by the pound, peeled/hardboiled eggs (new in the egg section!), California rolls (made in-store), 27 lunchables, six bags of pre-sliced/individually packaged apples (six to the bag), one onion, two 12-packs of Fresca. Mercedes goes to the grocery store at least once a day and will pick up the actually useful items during her afternoon drive-by.

What do you think?

Ben and Jerry's or Blue Bell (comes from contented cows you know!)
I understand QDA, and am ready to apply it to my neighbor's trash contents and potentially their recycle bins.
Who is eating the Ranch Style beans.....Pearl or Mercedes?

You're in the Army Now!

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMT

Congratulations! You've made the move from the thong to "Big Girl Panties"! The bottom line (aren't we witty?!) is that you own your decision, actions and resulting consequences. Be true to yourself, but also be mature in your adventures! And here is how the adventure started.........

Pearl and Mercedes became lucky Army wives as follows – sound familiar?

You fell head over heels in love.
Your soldier proposed to you in a wonderfully romantic manner.
You married – and possibly exited the chapel under an Arch of Swords.
You put all of your dearest possessions into the trunk of your car (or truck – lucky you!) and the precariously attached U-Haul trailer.
You moved to a completely unknown geographic location (eg. Ft. Wuchuka, Ft. Polk, etc.) rarely referenced in travel magazines.
You devoted years to understanding and navigating military jargon, traditions, and events (although – to be honest – you still struggle to differentiate among companies, batteries and troops).
You were nominated – without any deliberate intent on your part - as your post’s “Volunteer of the Year” due to your significant commitment to your husband's unit.

You managed to have and rear children and/or raised one hell of a well trained dog.

HOOAH! Welcome to the Army, Mrs. Jones! And, by “Army”, we’re specifically addressing you and your soldier/family.

Specific to you and your role in the Army -

When you first said "I do" and the idyllic sleep of love feel from your eyes, we bet you looked around and realized, "I'm not in Kansas anymore, Toto". (And yes that is true, unless of course you are stationed at Riley or Leavenworth.) The transition from single life to married life began the minute you kissed your soldier at the altar. Sure you can still color your hair purple, put tattoos in obvious places, piercings in distracting locations, and show some skin at your Battalion formal. Because, as you know, there aren’t any dress and/or appearance rules and regulations that apply to Army spouses - (although we did provide some guidance in our January blog: "The Re-Emergence of Protocol!"). But - when you’re ready to grow up and move into the mature world of "thinkers" and "doers" - then join us (we’re the toned down older versions of YOU (Yes, UGH!) who generally resemble women in Talbot’s ads). Harsh? Yes! But ladies, we can all express ourselves with some dignity, no?! We’re not dissin' a little dolphin tattoo or a nice streak of Jennifer Anniston blonde bangs; we just don't think that a spiked dog collar = thoughtful adult.

To net - we don't really care what your underpants look like (or if you even wear them!) but when the whining starts - whoa! - we will turn the volume down on our Miracle Ear hearing aids and pull an extra pair of "Big Girl Panties" from our orthopedic bra - just for you!You are a pioneer, a volunteer, a wife, and, most likely, a mother, an event planner, a time management expert, and a phenomenal packer and mover! You have to organize your time, effort and money to meet the "needs" of your Army Family.

Specific to your Army family -

Whether you are married with no children or have four children a cat, a dog, ant farm and two fish - you and your husband create the most important part of your family. As a couple, you and your husband are the foundation of success in any of the areas pulling at you 24x7.

Here’s why this is true. You and your husband are always traveling down a river to your next assignment (generally in a weathered canoe or leaky life raft) with all your worldly possessions strapped in any available space. You can either focus on getting from one destination to the next or you can use your time more wisely (this idea of “using your time more wisely” isn’t necessarily specific to using the pharmacy on post but keep that thought in mind). We suggest experiencing each moment rather than always planning for the next destination. This means choosing your level of involvement and accepting the consequences of your life choices (your choices include your partner choices and your career choices - whether that is managing your household and/or a career outside the home).

The continual Army life changes will generate unbelievable stress but there is an upside! Consider this – every time you jump (or carefully step into) the canoe, you can make a fresh start. You can be anything you want. You can be involved with your husband’s assignment or you can find your own niche. But, you will always be the lucky Army wife!

What do you think?

Square or Triangle?
Plan or spur of the moment?
I support my soldier always – even when I’m completely stressed that he can’t seem to make it home prior to 10PM. Did I really sign up to be a single parent?

Peer Group or Peer Pressure?

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMT

No the day you left middle school was NOT the end of it. One of us is still on medication for the stress inducing peer pressure of high school and the shock of discovering that college had nothing to do with academics and everything to do with one’s mastery of the Greek alphabet.

Sadly, for our self-esteem, and happily, for the plastic surgery and retail industries, there is no obvious end to the pressure we affect upon ourselves of trying to fit in. And, we don’t just want to fit in, we want to fit in PLUS (plus being the operative word). To illustrate, I’m in with all the fun girls PLUS my car is a little nicer, PLUS I work out a little bit more, PLUS I went shopping for (and bought) a beautiful new summer bag, PLUS I’m on all the important committees, PLUS my children are brilliant, PLUS my soldier is “the man”, etc.

One would think that with the days of youth slipping quickly by and the wisdom of age and experience factoring into our self-perception, we’d be able to move beyond this conundrum. One would think. Our soldiers love us, our children think we’re wonderful (generally speaking), our true friends accept us no matter if we botch the coffee or leave them off of our change of command invite list. So what’s up with us? Why am I trying to be like (or even, gasp!, competing) with you – when did Polish Pottery acquisition become paramount?!

So! Hey, hey, hey – you want to compete? Let’s take it to the mat.

Your vehicle must be a mini! Preferably a Honda Odyssey or Toyota Sienna (don’t vary too far from the gold or white exterior; the tan interior is a MUST).

Your soldier must be a rock star! His FOB? The worst! His time at the office? The longest! His awards? Cover the uniform! Time to call you? NEVER – he’s WAY too engaged with the enemy!

Your children must be the best at…….. school (go TAG or go home), sports (pick a team, any team – your kid is the high scorer!), college scholarship (National Merit Finalists always get a full ride)!

Or, on the other hand, your children must be the worst at…….. being a role model (the tattoo guy thought she was 18!), absences (we’re repeating the 7th grade – gratuitous eye roll), sports (she thinks the soccer coach is hot!).

You must be busy, busy, busy! Committees? Full to capacity. Functions? Calendar is crammed. Family activities? repeat after me: "You can NOT imagine my schedule – I can barely fit in the three minutes to read this blog!"

Spikey hair, French tip nails, Talbot’s knockoffs, iPhone? Check, check, check, check!

You go girl!

Want to be different? Think long and hard about that – you’re in the Army bubble and bursting that bubble might not be worth the consequences (it gets lonely when you’re really weird, like you drive a sedan - or something off the wall like that - and your kids might not like being ostracized at school because their mom doesn’t help with their homework). You need (biologically, emotionally, mentally – per Maslow) to fit in. If you’ve got time to go to lunch with friends, send out birthday cards on time, stop by the hospital to see your neighbor’s new baby, read a book, take a Spanish class – you clearly have too much time on your hands and should consider making an appointment for a pointier future by dialing the salon nearest you.

Concerned that being a member of "Helmet Heads" (Pearl & Mercedes’ nomenclature for Army Wife "Followship”) might cost more than you’re willing to pay or take more than you’ve got to give? We’re warming up the minivan for a committee meeting but we’ll schedule an hour or so of thinking (and maybe even writing) about functional followship into our exceedingly packed calendars!

Windex Works Wonders

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 05:00:00 GMT

When we troll through the neighborhood or attend our kids’ school functions or chat with acquaintances at the PX, we keep a notebook and pen close by. Why? To make sure we capture any and all pertinent details related to the joys, sorrows, ups, downs, good days, bad days our sources are willing to reveal – aka gossip, rumor, innuendo.

Ha! Just kidding – we actually use voice activated digital recorders. Really, who has time to stop and write things down?!

On a serious note, via the application of multiple theorems and mind draining statistical analysis, we’ve determined that the very simple concept of listening – at approximately 90% of one’s typical capacity – will result in the gathering of information of slightly questionable validity that can then be repeated at 16-hour intervals thereby becoming completely inaccurate within 96 hours.

And where’s the harm in that ladies? My glass house is another’s Windex work waiting to happen! We’re particularly fond of the ammonia (and arsenic) dripping from the "Did you see...?", "Can you believe...?", "I was told..." cleaning teams.
Here’s the rub – who doesn’t want to stand around and chit-chat with the girls? The commissary parking lot banter generally kicks off with a genuine interest in the comings and goings of the parties in conversation - how’s the weather, how’s the soldier, how are the kids – but at some point (or at some drink) the rubber gloves come off and the spray gets a bit haphazard maybe mulling over one neighbor’s messy house and junk-filled yard or a another wife’s tendency to overuse the CDC on weeknights while her soldier is deployed or a spouse’s dependency on the gin to make it through the FRG meetings or an acquaintances comments concerning the benefits of marital counseling.

Is this wrong – well – maybe the question is more along the lines of is this right? Is there genuine concern or a bit of smugness because, hey, my yard is clean, and my house ain’t bad, and my kids got their quality time with me today, and I actually took notes at the FRG meeting, for goodness’ sake! We’re not against smugness – we all need a bit of self-affirmation every now and then – we’re just suggesting that calling in Merry Maids at the first sign of a neighbor’s or acquaintance’s trouble might be chemically harsh (like when you spray mold remover in the shower and forget to open the window).

Although we’re not that old (“that” being the operative word), we’ve been part of the Army wife glass-house community long enough to know that sometimes the windows are sparkling and sometimes they’re so dirty you revert to newspaper (that thick Sunday edition) and ammonia to get them clean. So we have to be very, very careful – Pearl in particular as Mercedes tends to be a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning – to avoid slipping on the wet linoleum of “did you hear?”.

Of course, this polishing job is in no way applicable to revealing a tale or two about one’s soldier – some stories must be told to encourage the concern and comradery of fellow toilet scrubbers……….

What do you think?

What expenses would you be willing to give up in order to hire a cleaning service?
Windex or Glass-plus?
Even been implicated in a piece of gossip gone south?

Mirror, Mirror Don't Fall Off the Wall!

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMT

During a recent birthday-inspired Instant Messaging therapy session between us girls (licensed therapy not fitting into the currently overscheduled Outlook, but we’d totally consider it if the stars aligned), we waxed nostalgic over our Middle School naiveté (perms, tight white jeans, and notes swearing forever friendship); we shuddered a bit over High School artlessness (crushes on male coaches, overdone eyeliner, and notes swearing love forever); and shook our heads over wrong turns in our twenties (we’ll just leave it at that).

The thirties were/are all about recovery! Sure, with summer birthdays looming bright on the horizon, we’re somewhat concerned that our foreheads appear quite a bit more expression-full than those of the "Fox & Friends" commentators. And that crows’ feet is apparently one word and has nothing to do with the actual bird. We’ll even confess to surreptitiously reading the labels on the bevy of spot minimizing, wrinkle reducing, pore diminishing, and skin highlighting creams, gels, and potions in the fancy makeup section of the PX (and, dear God, hoping that youth can be purchased for $68 – no tax!). But, during our IM therapy session, we realized that, as we mature (NEVER, NEVER use the term “age”), we’re actually looking forward to growing by one calendar year (this spring)!

There is nothing all that exceptional about turning a year older in 2009 – it’s highly likely that you (and you, and you, and you) will as well! In fact, feel free to high-five yourself in the bathroom mirror for knocking back another year – literally for some of us! We’re soooooo much more relaxed now – handprints on the white doors? Art!; no time to cook? Dream Dinners!; yard in disrepair? Indigenous landscaping! late for school? Okay – you’re on your own with the uptight hall monitor…………

As an all volunteer force (deep breath over the use of term “volunteer”), we have shaped policy and ensured the continued (and upgraded) support of each of our families. The Family Readiness Groups – much evolved from earlier "Family Support Groups" - is what we created to enable each other (not prop up, not take care of, not think about………). We’ve grabbed the reigns and driven change - an overall Army policy of increased child care hours at on post child development centers; an increase in support for Youth Services; and upgraded privatized housing on many posts. (Side note, maintenance in the privatized housing is awesome; no more Googling “plumber” - what?! My sweet husband is just way too busy either chasing, or recovering from chasing, the Taliban!)

During our IM session, we realized that we’re not that interested in reversing the aging clock by use of dramatic means (dramatic meaning anything involving synthetic substances that can float unsecured around one’s body) – and God knows you could not pay Pearl enough money to repeat Middle School (although Mercedes would pay good money to have the opportunity to go back and alter that 7th Grade Yearbook photo)! We’re okay with maturing – but let us be very clear and honest now, we have not settled! We still exercise DAILY (daily being a SLIGHT exaggeration for Mercedes), we watch what we eat (all the way from the candy wrapper to our mouths), and can still wield a tube of Clearasil Blemish Control with the expertise of an 8th grader. We’re okay with where we are – and repeat daily the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.”

What do you think?

New Mustang or Classic Corvette?
Aging is nothing in the hands of an experienced Brazilian plastic surgeon?
You're not quite sure what this blog is all about (surely Dick Clark will disclose the location of the Fountain of Youth when his autobiography is published - late June)?

The Army Family Covenant

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMT

On a more serious note - primarily in recognition of the 234th birthday of the United States Army - we wanted to recognize the significance of the Army Family Covenant.

We'd bet that a good many of you are familiar with this absolutely ginormous (GIANT + enormous), extensively reaching and incredibly well-funded Department of the Army program. As the initiative has marked its one year anniversary, we thought we would investigate the impact of the program by researching the success of the programs and initiatives launched (eg. those pesky measurable aspects).

The purpose of the covenant is to provide support to the families of America's soldiers. The program resulted from the realization that soldiers give and sacrifice daily – as do their FAMILIES! And, as a result, the Army is recognizing us with a big fat check by increasing resources for families (especially to the families of soldiers who are deployed.)

First, let’s review some "official" background.

The Army Family Covenant was signed by the Secretary of the Army, Pete Geren, Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. George W. Casey Jr. and Sgt. Maj. of the Army Kenneth O. Preston on October 17, 2007, during the program's initial launch at Fort Know, KY. Subsequent Covenant signings have been performed around the world at Army posts - with Army families being included in the photo op.
In a statement about the covenant, the Secretary of the Army said this: "The health of our all-volunteer force, our Soldier-volunteers, our Family-volunteers, depends on the health of the Family. The readiness of our all-volunteer force depends on the health of the Families," said Mr. Geren. "I can assure you that your Army leadership understands the important contribution each and every one of you makes. We need to make sure we step up and provide the support Families need so the Army Family stays healthy and ready."
As Pearl’s grandma would say, "You're damn tootin’!"

It appears to us that we - the families - are being heard. But, let’s be realistic, can the Army leadership hear our grassroots voices all the way in Washington D.C.? (The Dr. Seuss movie/book "Horton Hears a Who" comes to mind – with the huge number of geographically dispersed Army families faintly resembling the floating dust particle.)

Second, let’s investigate!

The five goals of the covenant include:

Standardizing and funding existing Family programs and services
Increasing accessibility and quality of healthcare
Improving Soldier and Family housing
Ensuring excellence in schools, youth services, and child care
Expanding education and employment opportunities for Family members

The covenant represents a $1.4 billion commitment in 2008 to improve quality of life for Army Families. Translation: you and I may not see direct effects – YET - but programs are being drawn up and people are being hired (eg. Family Readiness Assistants (FRSAs) at the Battalion level). The goal is to include a similar level in the budget for the next five years.

Third, let’s get out the measuring stick:

In the last two to three years alone, the Army has privatized and improved almost 80,000 homes on 36 installations and opened 40 new childcare centers, with another 22 on the way.
The Army also recently spent $50 million to hire new healthcare providers for Soldiers and their Families, and is working with lawmakers to help Army spouses gain priority for civil service jobs. The program is run under the Army G1 office. The official website for more information is http://www.cpol.army.mil/.
"Super Saturdays" have been established at many posts offering free, or discounted, childcare to the families of deployed soldiers.
Many posts offer up to ten free hours of childcare....also for the families of deployed soldiers.
The Army has waived the CYS (child Youth Services) enrollment fee.
SKIES (a child and youth services program) has mushroomed, offering classes ranging from horseback riding to dancing. The Army Family Covenant makes these classes free to some Army families.

As with all contracts, we’ll identify some caveats. From our perspective, the covenant appears to be succeeding. The services are well-intended and far reaching. However, because this program is still new, growing pains are inevitable (eg. while childcare and youth centers offer more classes and hourly care, they must find and hire appropriate personnel to cover their extension; while FRSAs are a wonderful thought, each person hired for the job will not be equally qualified, nor professionally prepared for the role required).

From a personal perspective, Pearl is the recipient of one of the new privatized post houses. Pearl says - I love it! It is shiny, sparkly and brand spankin' new! I feel like I have finally grown up! And, stretching across the post are new houses for families of enlisted, senior enlisted and officers, clearly an incredible reflection of devotion to our care.

Tis the Seasons to Lose All Reason: Part 3

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMT

And there you are – huddled together en masse with the family and relatives unfortunate enough to live within a drivable geographic area – exhausted, sweaty, and dehydrated – surveying the ripped up front lawn, the mangled door frames, and the remaining trash and miscellaneous non-movable goods (cleaning supplies, paint cans, etc.) that will require endless late-night secretive trips to the unlocked dumpster your lucky spouse had to furtively seek out weeks ago in preparation for this moment.

And the group – all with crossed arms (not so subtly revealing the complete dismay of the entire group at the potential dangers associated with the current situation) – is attempting half-hearted waves and tired smiles to the completely unknown group of people now in charge of all of the families’ earthly goods and possessions. We repeat, ALL your earthly possessions are on a moving truck, headed into the sunset, the border, the chop shop…………

On the one hand, you and the family are thrilled: “Woo-hoo! Everything is packed and loaded, we’re moving into a hotel - it has a pool, daily towel changes, room service, cable. We get to eat out EVERY MEAL!”

On the other………. Familiarize yourself with the moving triumvirate - sometimes triage - that could haunt your life (I equate this threesome to my relationship with my dentist, insurance agent, and gynecologist – necessary and good to have but I’d prefer to avoid interacting with them).

Step (gingerly) into the Transportation Office!
The Transportation Office is a special level of hell not mentioned in Dante's Inferno. A place – generally hidden away in a rather smallish, mildew-y, old building with no parking and a line out the door of VERY disgruntled soldiers, tired spouses, and hyper children – to which you will go (no matter how many times you attend Mass) multiple times, with each visit requiring one- to two-hour waits in line. Pack snacks.

The Transportation Office is the one-stop shopping experience where you’ll sign up for a moving date(s), sign up for storage pickup, sign up for the delivery of your goods upon arrival at the new post, sign up for an exotic summer vacation. This tedious experience(s) requires the patience of a saint and the positive attitude your grandmother preaches about when you start whining about having to walk three miles in the snow to reach Starbuck’s. Every visit will inevitably bring you in contact with a tired, hungry crying baby (both under the age of one and over the age of 20); the grouchy husband and wife team arguing in the corner over less than optimum move dates; and the Rear Detachment officer trying to help the non-English-speaking foreign wife whose expired Visa and deployed husband is resulting in her loss of quarters and immediately expulsion from the US.
Do not pause on the threshold of hell, do not roll your eyes at the evident misery (as you’ll soon join their ranks) – rather, pull the set of crayons from your purse (which your toddler received from the waitress at last night's dinner) and sign in with a purple flourish!

Call the Mediator (quickly) when moving goes awry!
Unlike the streets of hell that are over-run with movers, packers, and transportation schedulers, the “Mediator” has a very special place in heaven. The mediator is the person you call – in a complete and total panic - when you get in a jam with the packers. Speaking from personal experience, we’ve called the mediator and begged for their intercession on multiple occasions. An example, you ask? During a recent move, our packers decided to call it quits - after packing 10 crates, by no means everything in our house! And then, adding injury to insult, the packers decided to just roll on out with the 10 crates leaving us with not a shred of evidence per the contents, goods, lifetime valuables (that pesky inventory paperwork that is apparently so critical to actually RETRIEVING one’s goods). Pearl, in a moment of absolute clarity generally only achieved while somberly sipping gin during the Friday evening sunset, whipped out her mobile, called the mediator, and received significant – onsite, no less - assistance in the realignment of the moving crew’s priorities.

Trudge (exhaustedly) to the Claims Office when unload doesn’t quite match upload!
Unclaimed freight, missing household goods, destroyed armoires, cracked military prints – the Claims Office is the place to which we must trudge – with every single piece of paper associated with every item in question (that means you better have receipts, pictures will aid your cause, the inventory paperwork must be in order – that’s right, pack it all in the rolling suitcase and head on over). You will be required to photograph, print, fax, email, call, haggle to replace, repair, recover anything lost, cracked, ripped, torn, stolen (!) during that time when you and your household goods are not one. The name itself is a warning – you are “claim”-ing that your goods are lost, cracked, ripped, torn, and stolen and you must convince the “claims” office that you’re worthy of compensation. This will require the previously discussed saintly patience and dogged persistence – may the moving gods be with you.

What Do You Think?

Gynecologist or Transportation Office?
Make a late night trip to the "unlocked" dumpster to unload those hazardous waste materials OR make a late night trip to your next door neighbor's trashcan while while they are partying on their summer vacation?
Who is Dante and why is he in Hell?

Tis the Season to Lose All Reason: Part 2

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 05:00:00 GMT

Still reading? This must mean that your Internet connection is still in play (but you’re now reading as you sit on the floor while leaning against the wall) – or – you’re already moved into The Holiday Inn and are hooked up to their hacker exposed wireless connection!
Read on - to re-live (your possessions are long gone) or to re-energize for bathroom scrubbing……….

Step 4: Pony up $450 to the Post Housing Cleaning Contractors

(.........or buy some kneepads and bleach. Actually – there are sub steps here that must be addressed or we’d be remiss in our Martha Stewart duties).

Step 4a. Prior to cleaning, load the dishwasher and washing machine on this end; you’ll look like June Cleaver on that end. As you know, you will be the new one in town. Neighbors will come knocking on your door to "welcome" you and check out everything you didn’t sell or dump in Steps 2 and 3. Do not be the lazy neighbor that spends the first week at the Laundromat while the packing boxes wilt in the carport under the scrutiny of the neighbors. You know that your spouse will not have “hook up washer and dryer” as his priority – he will be organizing tools, guns, remote controls, etc. And, the movers will lose your washer hose and your new house will require a gas conversion kit for your electric dryer.

Step 4b. We’re gonna break it to you just like your mom did when you left for college or got married or ran away to the big city - you must physically clean your house! Nasty fingerprints on the door frames? Sticky light plate switches? Cobweb slinging ceiling fans? “Wash me” written in the soap scum on your shower doors? You go girl! The house cleaning fairy is too busy with the other 180,000 PCS-ing families to visit you. Your hands will be red and raw, your nails will break, and the requisite bleach will ruin anything you’re wearing as well as potentially terminate your sense of smell. You have two years to recover before re-experiencing this level of menial labor. Like childbirth, you will forget and will acquiesce to doing it again and again (like we said earlier, tradition).

Step 5: Packers & Movers (aka Shakers & Breakers)

Do not delay – go immediately to the PX and buy many, many cartons of one gallon Ziploc storage bags. These are GOLD during the moving season. You can fit your silverware tray inside a Ziploc baggie and zip it right up. Legos, marbles, Barbie clothes and Power Ranger weapons can find new homes in these baggies! Leftover pain medication can be slipped into a bag; 58 tubes of lipstick; 47 hair barrettes; 23 bows; and 18 nail polishes – zip, zip, zip, zip! The objective? Do not allow the packers to individually wrap each spoon and knife for forkin’ sakes! Your mantra right now should be “easily unpack, easily unpack, easily unpack”.

While engaging in hand to hand combat at the PX over the Ziploc storage bags, maintain your strength to fight for your share of tall, kitchen, odor shield white garbage bags. After executing the purchase - and the neighbor from down the street that tried to grab a box out of your wagon - take these to your house, position a box in each room, go to the drawers - pull out drawers with knobs, personal drawers will be addressed shortly – and start shoving similar contents into bags. Toss a drier sheet in on top, tie up the bag, and label with a Sharpie marker. Such OCD behavior will allow you to rip open your clothes bags on the gaining end and place all clean (and "Spring Fresh" smelling items) directly into the applicable drawers. Unlike your neighbors who stood outside chatting while the packers wreaked havoc and destruction on product placement, you will not need to separate blouses from books, pants from plastic ponies, shirts from shoes, etc.

A note, here, to the more discreet among us - we are sure you have a few things in your house that you would not want Daryl and his other brother Daryl to see, fondle nor visualize you wearing, holding, or caressing. You must target, strike and engage in decisive action with these “special” items. Collect and whisk directly into a suitcase and immediately place said suitcase into your vehicle for safekeeping. (Or, just sit around chit-chatting on the phone about ALL the work you have to do and risk Daryl forever remembering your specialness via a quick iPhone shot that is immediately downloaded to his Facebook page.)

Step 6: Locked and Loaded

Goodbye, Farewell, Aufwiedersehen, Adieu - to you, and you and you and you and you! We feel your pain (literally) – like us, you’re riveted to your front door step watching the overloaded moving van (being driven by completely unknown persons that you most likely do not hang out with on weekends) that contains every item that you possess in this world (both valuable and invaluable) pull away from the curb. Your possessions are no longer yours – they are outside your span of control. You have one of three emotions at this exact moment (okay, make that three): a. Relief! The moving pressure is off! You are released from packing tape hell!; OR b. Panic! Your pez dispenser of valium is clicking like mad as you fight like mad to quell your angst driven inner beast, screaming “run, run, run after that truck”; OR c. Smugness. You paid and they played. The 1990s stereo system, bunk beds, and miscellaneous military prints should be sufficient to ensure that your goods reach their destination unharmed. Hey! No one needs to know (particularly the owner of the military prints).

Your six steps to PCS success now covered, dive into that suitcase, eat pizza out of the box or suck down "Happy Meals" at interstate pit stops (“pit” being the operative word), and start shoving the dirty clothes into the trash bags left over from packing. (Note to the lucky families PCS-ing to Germany – Happy Meals on the McDonald’s German menu round out the combo meal with a beer!)

Bon voyage!

What Do You Think?

Wash it or buy new?
Skip town or throw a "let's help Pearl paint the house interior back to white" party?
Donuts or a stereo system to the movers in return for safe transit?

Tis the Season to Lose All Reason: Part 1

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 27 May 2009 05:00:00 GMT

To be cleaning, organizing, Goodwill delivering, trashcan busting for your family's PCS! No, not the “picturesque cool summer” vacation you read about in Travel & Leisure but rather the “permanent change of station” (permanent being used completely out of context but apparently the Army’s oxymoronic acronym has achieved 100% term integration no matter the irony).

You see, Army wives don’t dream of poolside martinis and Saturday AM tennis matches; we have nightmares of sidewalks made invisible by piles of cardboard boxes; vans full of packers with cartons – not boxes - of cigarettes and cases of Mountain Dew; and a log jam of moving trucks that block streets, intersections, and apparently have to run continuously coating every single item you and your neighbors own with pollutants.

It’s starting to get hot and end of school year celebrations are overrun the family calendar, so we know it’s that time again (again being the operative word but apparently the ACS acronym was already taken). Ready to rumble? Work through the jumble? Take a deep breath and………..

Step 1: Get religion and clean out the house

(......and the shed, and the carport/garage, and the storage shed – and the storage rental unit – do NOT forget the storage rental unit as contents not removed by owners could be sold at a very public auction). This step is an opportunity that many civilians rarely experience – anything that your spouse or children possess that is flat-out ugly, or termed a “family heirloom”, or is in pieces, or really gets on your nerves because it plays Britney Spears songs continuously can be TOSSED and then, when questioned per its whereabouts upon arriving at the new location, can be shrugged off as being “lost in the move.” Do no miss this opportunity – it has salvaged many a marriage on the brink of divorce per Army commemorative plaque overload. Changing climates? Ft. Lewis should trade clothing and gear with Ft. Hood, Ft. Irwin with Germany, and Ft. Drum with Ft. Benning. Going to Korea? Toss everything out and just start over.

Step 2: Suck it up and set it out – the Bi-annual Post Yard Sale

Mercedes - in particular - struggles with the actual ROI (return on investment for those who slept through their accounting classes) associated with the post yard sale and usually gives it the finger. Pearl recognizes it for what it is – a chance for everyone to stroll through the neighborhood and take a gander at what folks are willing to give up, stop in for Mimosa’s at the mayor’s house, and generally avoid purchasing anything that can’t be lugged along by the three children all military families have in tow (a tradition to be analyzed after Mercedes catches up). Avoid confrontation and change issues and just make everything a dollar – you’ll be out of stuff in two hours and $41 richer. What’s not to like?!

Step 3: Goodwill, Salvation Army, surplus store drive-by

Or, just skip to this step, borrow your neighbor’s truck, drop off all your crap, grab the charitable donation receipt, claim it on your taxes, and skip your antidepressant as you will be overwhelmed by feelings of happiness related to your somewhat questionable generosity.

What Do You Think?

Give into the $1 demand (the current rate for everything at on-post yard sales) or hold out for the $7 you KNOW you can get?
Drive away from the storage unit and never look back or struggle through the endless, unopened pile of boxes you managed to ignore for 23 months?
Do a quick look-through at the Salvation Army store sale rack or drive like mad before your kids realize their most precious possessions acquired via the $.25 HEB gumball machines have been mysteriously lost in the move?

Grace Under Fire: Army Spouses Sew Up a Rebuttal

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:00:00 GMT

With regard to Ms. Kaufmann’s lengthy lament, “Army Families Under Fire,” published in the Washington Post on May 11, 2009, the authors of the http://luckyarmywives.com blog – Pearl & Mercedes (currently serving as volunteers, FRG leaders and participants, moms, bake-sale fundraising maniacs, and armchair quarterbacks of their commander spouses’ battalions) tossed all Army spousal responsibilities to the XO and made haste to rebut.

Upon reading that we are quietly “coming apart at the seams”, we twisted around to check the stitching of our big-girl panties. Whew! Our big-girl panties are still intact (but might need to be right-sized if we continue to up-size). Thank goodness our adult coping and decision-making skills didn’t get stretched out in the wash!

Upon reading that we are “embittered”, we strolled the sidewalks of our Department of the Army sponsored Post housing - male-spouse challenged as evidenced by the pollen-dusted trucks parked along the streets – listening in on the pleasant conversation (aka gossip) and laughter emanating from wives gathered in front yards throughout the neighborhood. We overheard hints of the magic experienced as wives of soldiers – chit-chat about how the dishwasher load and unloading fairy, the washing machine loading fairy, the transfer the clothes to the dryer fairy, the clothes folding and putting away fairy, the grocery buying fairy, the dinner making fairy, the drop off and pick up the kids from school fairy, the pick up the toys fairy, the bed making fairy, the haircut appointment making fairy, the doctor appointment making fairy, the pick up the mail fairy, the pay the bills fairy – the twinkling wonder of fairies that had left trails of fairy dust throughout the neighborhood that very day!

Upon reading that landing “your soldier in hot water” with presumptive comments is akin to martyrdom, we gasped! For, as much as we love our soldiers, they are not welcome (nor ever invited) to show up at our places of work or where we volunteer and negatively comment – in a very public forum - on our bosses’ performance. In fact, from our experience, the very act of spousal inclusion in the civilian workplace is akin to tossing a twelve-pack on the bosses’ desk around 10AM and suggesting an all-day, company-wide bender. It is the privilege of the military spouse to be graciously included as a participant in the day to day operations and concerns of their soldier – not an invitation to gush forth like the Hoover Dam drowning out all possibility for overflow consideration.

Upon reading that there are “too many families falling through the cracks”, if you’re an Army spouse – you’re living large on the tax payers’ dollar. Free healthcare? Check! Education benefits? Check! Pension? Check! Your spouses’ tax free deployment money? Check! The list is significant and lengthy. Medical concerns? We can personally speak to the tracking system, medical and emotional rehabilitation structure and personal care provided through Walter Reed Medical Center - Washington D.C., Brook Army Medical Center - San Antonio and the follow on services of the AW2 Project. Each step of the way our soldiers are guided, assisted, and rehabilitated by loved ones, unit support groups (CARE Teams) and other outside agencies such as the Fisher House Foundation.

Upon reading that we are “effectively taking from the people we are trying to support”, we’d argue that the newly developed use of commander's discretionary funds is an incredible relief to those of us who are becoming a bit embarrassed by our weekly pimping of hot dogs within our own ranks (as well as dismayed by our inability to tightly curl the ribbon as we gift-wrap for $1.82/hr). And, religious leanings aside, we’ve allocated two minutes of daily thanksgiving – timed to coincide with the warbling of Retreat at 0500 – for the assignment of Family Readiness Support Assistant positions to each battalion.

Upon reading that the Army has frustrated families in the "’trenches ‘”, we must contend that we’re excited about the specific trench building opportunities available to Army families! Dig this - you and your husband are always traveling down a river to your next assignment (generally in a weathered canoe or leaky life raft) with all your worldly possessions strapped in any available space. You can either focus on getting from one destination to the next or you can use your time more wisely (this idea of “using your time more wisely” isn’t necessarily specific to using the pharmacy on post but you’d be wise to sign up for the self-managed care program). We suggest experiencing each moment rather than always planning for the next destination. This means choosing your level of involvement and accepting the consequences of your life choices (your choices include your partner choices and your career choices - whether that is managing your household and/or a career outside the home). The continual Army life changes will generate unbelievable stress but there is an upside! Consider this – every time you jump (or carefully step into) the canoe, you can make a fresh start. You can be anything you want. You can be involved with your husband’s assignment or you can find your own niche. But, you will always be the lucky Army wife!

And, having taken a whiff of Ms. Kaufmann’s concerns through the LuckyArmyWives.com sniff test, we absolutely do take offense (specifically to our olfactory senses) concerning the “rank-based officers' wives coffee groups”! We have always – and will continue to – fervently advocate the use of deodorant and/or antiperspirant for all lucky Army wives!

Dream Vacation

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 13 May 2009 05:00:00 GMT

As summer rapidly approaches, Pearl & Mercedes find themselves considering summer vacation plans - generally known as “where should we stop on our way to our next duty station?”.

Forgetting that they’re in the Army and wards of the whims of the all mysterious “branch”, Mercedes’ children are arguing for an actual vacation with an on-board potty – as in “let’s buy an RV and go to France”. Economics and geography aside, hurtling down the road at 35MPH with no excuse to pull into a Starbuck’s is not Mercedes’ first getaway choice. However, when compared to the usual Army life vacation, say PCS-ing to Ft. Irwin, disengaging toddler hands from an on-board potty sounds like a trip to Disenyland. Pearl’s children, old enough to know that RV is code for “wave goodbye to your best friends in the rear-view mirror” are making their case for the relatives that should be avoided en route to their next home.

Children’s desires aside, we’re hard-pressed to identify the vacation location that is worth the effort – the scheduling, ticket purchasing, entertainment planning while figuring out how in the heck to actually get there with all children in tow, suitcases, toys, snacks, high maintenance Blackberry signal demanding husband – without conjuring up images of Gitmo as a pleasant alternative. However, if you’re up to the organizational challenge (eg. your children’s and spouse’s schedules are mapped out in Excel and track against a master color-coded whiteboard), you possess the required funds (eg. you can actually plan for financial requirements beyond next week’s paycheck) and you possess the serenity of the Dali Lama, it’s time to take a holiday!

What destinations are we dreaming about this summer – Corsica, Nepal, Venice? Hmmmmmm, those are tempting locales – but this is the year we’re going on the real journey, the truly exotic voyage – we’re on a quest for serenity, sunshine, adventure and exploration (blah, blah, spiritual, mental and physical rejuvenation, blah, blah, blah)!

Dream destination one?

Think of it as an opportunity to gather with those who were once your nearest and dearest, your friends through thick and thin (unless it involved giving up the seat on the bus next to the really cute guy), people who only judge you by your looks, your job, and the size of your boobs – you guessed it! HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!! Are you ready for it? Is this the year for extensive liposuction, tanning bed worship, hair extension investment? If it’s not your 5, 10, or 15-year reunion, find one to attend, we recommend practice, practice, practice when it comes to facing the people who knew you best and then trampled all over you to get to stand next to the more popular girl behind you in the lunch line!

Dream destination two?

This one barely tops one but we think it has a bit of an edge due to the emotional purge that becomes possible about seven hours into it – that’s right, you guessed it again! A FAMILY REUNION! Feeling just a little too good about you? Thinking you’ve managed to get it together? Wondering why your kids are on top of their schoolwork and winning at sports? You’re right – things are going according to plan – and that is just not possible for your extremely dysfunctional family members to accept (much less appreciate and/or admire). Ah, the brutality of the cousins, the siblings, the in-laws – all gloves are off for this freebie therapy session! Line up for the fried chicken, the green bean casserole, the banana pudding, the off-label white bread and let the good times roll!

Dream destination three?

This option requires a bit more planning – it’s best undertaken during absolutely horrid weather conditions (rain, wind, cold if possible); with a packing list that is longer than your child’s last thirteen letters to Santa combined; and you must ensure that you leave the most incompetent persons possible back at home base to take care of the house, pets, and non-stop calls concerning missing gear, weather warnings, and problems with anything remotely resembling an advanced technology device. Ready to Google availability? Enter “GOING TO THE FIELD with my spouse”! Why pack all that gear and plan a camping trip 13 hours from your home to a gorgeously scenic mountainous region when you can take the kids and join your spouse for 5-7 days of already prepared meals, humvee bumper cars, long-range missile target practice, and intravenous anesthetic attempts – all for FREE!

We know! We can hardly choose among the three! Maybe we should take the options to the floor of the next FRG meeting for truly helpful input? No doubt about it – whatever mind-numbing option wins, we’re stocking up on Pecocet to ensure impaired thinking and altered reactions.

What do you think?

Relatives or all-inclusive resort?
Spontaneous or no-go unless every detail or mishap can be discussed, reviewed, and/or debated and a risk mitigation plan stored in your escrow lock box?
Drink and eat with the locals or load up on packaged products prior to take-off?

Winnie the Pooh Boot Camp: Part 2

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 06 May 2009 05:00:00 GMT

I'll help! I can do it! Just let me know what you decide and i'll help! Ready for more introspection (at least we don't charge $150/hour)?

Piglet: It’s easy to morph into a Piglet, in fact among Army wives this extra Piglet chromosome is called the "helpful gene"– here’s how it happens. The FRG leader asks for volunteers to run the next fund raiser. No one says a word. It is totally silent. Not being able to stand the awkward silence a minute longer, Mrs. Piglet says, YES! I’ll do it! (Although, she has already signed up for several other agenda items.) Or, when attending the elementary school parent/teacher meeting, the teacher asks for a volunteer to run the next bake sales. A vocal mom (possibly a Tigger) indicates that she’s tired of doing everything for the group. Rabbit may announce the fundraiser is completely unnecessary. Owl may remind the group that she has been already been the mastermind behind several successful fundraisers. The group leader is floundering. - Mrs. Piglet panics (as Mrs. Tigger sounds a bit annoyed) and jumps up to sign up! Mrs. Piglet is the “yes” person – she wants to keep everyone happy and avoid confrontation. Unfortunately, for everyone’s stress level, Piglets say “yes” without thinking through all the other items they’ve said “yes” too and suddenly they are totally overcommitted, stressed out, and not very Piglet-ly at all! When someone becomes a Piglet: your goal is to get a commitment you can count on. Talk honestly and get them to build and strengthen the relationship.

Pooh: Ah, Pooh! Always nice to be around, always agreeable, always empathetic – but – when it’s time to make a decision, Pooh just can’t! It’s not that Pooh won’t make a decision or that Pooh isn’t interested; rather, Mrs. Pooh procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present itself. A simple example: If the battalion ball planning committee is moving between a discussion of short ribs buffet and a plated chicken dinner; Mrs. Pooh is sitting and hoping that someone will save the day with a more palatable dinner choice. The undecided Mrs. Pooh surreptitiously surveys the room at decision-making time to see how others are “voting”. Don’t give Mrs. Pooh a hard time if she can’t decide between Monday or Wednesday for the monthly social event; give her all the data, listen to her, and then suggest what appears to be the best option. Once she is comfortable with you, she become more decisive. Mrs. Pooh is a lovable sort. Her behavior is not meant to be destructive...try to just give her a hug, and then move on.

Huffelump: Hello? Hello? Anyone home? Don’t look to Mrs. Huffelump for support during the FRG meeting or to start the vote on the Fall Festival location; Mrs. Huffelump gives no verbal feedback, no non-verbal feedback, no sign language - nothing! They are with you physically but not necessarily emotionally or mentally. Don’t take it personally; it’s not you (you showered, right?). When someone becomes a Huffelump, don’t totally write them off. Rather, see if you can persuade them to talk and contribute by asking open-ended questions. And, when a Huffelump starts talking - Listen!

Eeyore: The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Eeyores feel helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. And, they frequently want you to commiserate with them – to somehow legitimize their misery. Standing out in the front lawn worrying about when the deployment will be over, when the household goods will ship, when the new housing will be ready - does nothing but burn time and generally put folks in rather miserable moods (we can watch the news if we’re interested in being truly depressed). When someone becomes an Eeyore, meetings can rapidly go downhill. You’ll most likely have to step in – and help them become a problem solver (if they’re remotely interested in solving the problem). And, if Mrs. Eeyore is bellyaching in your front yard, um, good luck.

What do you think?

Who would you like to be?
Are you the same character with your family as you are at work or in the FRG?
Can you believe Pearl is a Piglet / Tigger and Mercedes is Christopher Robin?

Winnie the Pooh Boot Camp: Part 1

info@luckyarmywives.com (Pearl & Mercedes) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:00:00 GMT

Choose me! Choose me! Rabbit, Owl, Tigger, Piglet, Pooh, Huffelump and Eeyore all live in harmony in A.A. Milne's 100-acre-wood and around the corner from you! “Pooh” might be your next door neighbor; “Tigger” might live right across the street.

How can such different, and, let’s go ahead and say it, difficult!, personalities live so close together, volunteer together, go to church together, attend social functions together – Army post after Army post after Army post? The answer - "Grasshopper" - lies in how effectively we deal with each other.

Drs. Brinkman and Kirschner have identified and succinctly summarized effective ways of dealing with each of these personalities. Brinkman and Kirschner developed the 100 Acre Wood personality descriptions; we have liberally edited their work to create this Winnie the Pooh Boot Camp!. It is loads of fun to analyze the FRG and coffee group personalities – but - consider how others might perceive you! That, my fellow furry personality, is the secret of successfully fitting in!

Rabbit: Through rude comments, sarcasm, and a roll of the eyes - making you feel foolish is Rabbit's specialty. When someone starts “rabbit-ing”, resist physical violence and use questions to figure out what they’re really thinking (right, give them the benefit of the doubt!). Are they bored? Do they have a better idea? Did you annoy them in a previous life (that equals previous Army post where you were located two doors down from this person)? I know – it’s hard to do this if they’ve hurt your feelings (a totally reasonable response) – but – you most likely will have to face this person head on. Do not drive forward with road rage and aggression, but efficiency. Remember you will catch more bees with honey. And, if you’re in a leadership position and the Rabbit is disrupting the group, really consider suggesting alternative behavior (or a new FRG – just kidding!).

Owl: The Owl has been there, done that and has the multiple cabinets of Polish pottery to prove it! Her fund raisers brought in the most money, her coffees were the best attended, her balls had the best speakers, her FRG meetings had the most participation, and her Evites have never been caught by someone’s spam filter! Not surprisingly, Mrs. Owl has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. If you chose to make an alternative suggestion – say you actually have a different way to organize and structure the Battalion Christmas party – just be prepared with details which you’ll need as Mrs. Owl will pepper you with all sorts of questions! First, take a deep breath and remember that we are all volunteers. Secondly, calibrate yourself to hear (yes, actually hear and listen to) Mrs. Owl without cringing as if her voice were nails on a chalkboard. Use her experience to your benefit. Her wise plans and energy may just get your ball rolling. (BTW – Owls do make good mentors if you can survive the initial onslaught of all knowingness!)

Tigger: Unlike the Owl, who truly does know it all, Mrs. “Tigger” just thinks she knows it all (if you thought Mrs. Owl was going to put you over the edge at last night’s FRG meeting, just wait until you meet Mrs. Tigger!). Mrs. Tigger has been around long enough to know exactly what to say in any given situation; however, unlike Mrs. Owl, who has actually completed every single item on today’s to-do list plus some of the items on tomorrow’s list, Mrs. Tigger is a bit light on actual execution ability. She enjoys providing insight but really doesn’t have the time to actually DO any of the ideas she frequently produces from her good idea piñata. If one of the group suddenly turns into a Tigger, just give her some attention, pat her on the back for her good ideas, and then ask her what event she’s going to “own”. Mrs. Tigger is the perfect candidate to lead a "sub" group of some kind. A great example of a Tigger job would be spearheading (big word, no?!) the children's activities for the unit Easter Party. Mrs. Tigger needs a bit of autonomy (her piece of the pie), but she also needs a small enough job that the leader can fix any incomplete tasks. You’ll give her a chance to live up to her hype – and she might turn out to be a bit of an owl!

You may notice that we have not covered all of Pooh's furry friends. Stay tuned for next week's blog - Winnie the Pooh Boot Camp: Part 2!

What do you think?

While trying to "fit in", it may not be as much about how we (re) invent ourselves - as to how the group is interpreting the message we are sending.
Can you associate with these personality styles (so far)?
What song would you sing on American Idol?